I Wandered Off



Fruit Parfait (Strawberries, Blueberries, Low Fat Plain
Yogurt with Honey&Almond Granola)

Okay, so after working out with my Mom on Thursday my lower back was in pain, twisting and lifting wasn't going to happen and I allowed myself to rest until it didn't hurt an it ymore.  I should have gone for a walk or something but I didn't.  Tsk Tsk!  So back I went today with the HIIT 15/STretch 10 and a hour walk.  I did rather well with my walk! Further than I have gone so far!!  The weather was not comforting at all, it was raining diagonally and the wind was chilly but I kept going.  It reminded me of high school track.  However on really crappy days we would play ultimate frisbee.  That was so much fun! Back on track! I have a blister on my right heel and some chaffing on my inner left thigh.  It's quite uncomfortable as I have never chaffed before.  Now I feel bad for picking on someone when they were complaining about chaffing.  

It is weird being your own cheerleader though.  At a couple points in my walk I found myself giving myself a pep talk to walk faster and further.  Almost hit 3 1/2 miles today.  Very proud of myself.  Now I am hoping that my body will cooperate with me tomorrow so that I can go for another walk, and hopefully it will not be pouring outside either.  It was nice to come home to the kids sleeping and a hot shower!  I am pretty upset with myself for not working out the last four days, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep going.  Maybe I should set some more realistic goals for myself.  I just need to turn my walks into habit.  If I just do it everyday then I will see some results.  Afterall I have lost 5 pounds this week.  I want to weigh myself everyday but I don't want to get frustrated becuase I am not seeing any difference on the scale. 

The Y

I didn't do TurboFire today but I did go to the Y for 2 hours! And I can feel it, 15 mins on the elipitical, 1 hour on the bike for a total of 9 miles! Then did some weights with my Mom.  It was fun and it felt good.  I wish that I lived closer, I would enjoy going with my Mom.  Proud of myself for actually working out today!! Pretty worn out!

5 Pounds Down

Low Fat Strawberry Yogurt & Kiwi

After yesterdays high intensity circuit I am thankful to have the day off from TurboFire.  However, I still went for my hour walk! It felt so good.  What do you know? I woke up this morning feeling well rested and with a coffee cup worth of energy.  It was great! I still had a cup of coffee with 3 eggs (scrambled) and cottage cheese for breakfast, celery with peanut butter as a snack, spinach salad for lunch, kiwi with strawberry yogurt as my second snack and grilled chicken with penne pasta and peas for dinner.  I love that Treven enjoys the same snacks and food as I do. For the most part anyway, he doesn't like almonds, avocados or tomatoes.  I still find myself ready for a nap in the afternoon after the workout and walk is done.  And so far I am fighting off that temptation!  I have been sleeping better but that is probably because when I get to bed I am way too tired to read or watch a movie. 

I know that I shouldn't have weighed myself yet, but I couldn't help it! I mean, I feel better, I can feel my muscles aching.  And what do you know? I have already lost 5 pounds!!!!! I can't believe it! I know that your weight fluctuates everyday but I am not going to look at it that way, I am looking at it as progress towards that 90 pounds! Now, I will be facing another challenge as I head up to my moms house for two days, will I be able to continue my TurboFire workouts, a hour walk and still eat healthier?  It won't be due to anything my family does but whether I allow myself to use that excuse to not do it.  I can already see myself saying/thinking, "Well, it's just two days and I am with my family. I want to make the most of it" But really, I can take 2 hours to workout and I can make better choices of what to eat. And even if what I eat isn't the healthiest, it's about portion control.  Which I have lacked in awhile, I ate what I wanted and as much of it.  Instead of one slice of cake, I would have three. I can manage as long as I keep focused.  Now, that I have a screaming little guy to deal with I should probably get back in "Mommy Mode"

1/2c Will, 1/4c Stubbornnes, & 1/4c Kick in the Ass

Great Snack! Found on Pinterest (of course) Kiwi, Banana
& an Orange.  (I am the worst orange peeler ever by the way!)

Today..what can I say? It was an inner fight, I woke up and my back was screaming. My legs hurt, my feet hurt...whaa whaa whaa! I definitely loved going into the kitchen and seeing a dozen pink roses for valentines day though! Since I was dragging I stuck to yesterdays menu just flipped the snacks around.  I haven't figured out what to eat for dinner but I'm too tired to plan it out.  I sat my butt on the couch and told myself I hurt too much to do TurboFire today. "I'm NOT doing it!"  And I was determined not to do it too.  At about 10:30 a.m. I started to feel dumb about being stubborn.  Justin was out riding his quad and Trev and I were sitting inside.  (Granted I was making progress on my cross stitching!) I decided that it wasn't raining, so what was my excuse to not at least walk?  I didn't have one! So we got ready and out we went!  After 30 minutes of walking around the yard I decided to stop being stubborn and just power through TurboFire.  I have tomorrow off of it anyway! Good thing because as I started walking into the house it started raining.

Put in TurboFire for the HIIT 15 (High Intensity Impact Training)/ Stretch 10 Classes. All I can say is WOW! My whole body was on fire and I was feeling, well...good, the burn felt good and with 30 seconds full out with 30 seconds break was nice.  Afterwards Justin came home with Lillies! (How did I end up with such an amazing man?) I started walking up and down the hallway.  Justin asked me what I was doing.  I told him I was finishing my last half hour.  He told me to get my butt outside because walking in the house didn't count.  Thanks for the kick in the ass babe!  I most definitely did NOT want to go walk outside it was still raining slightly and it was getting cold.  But I wasn't going to fight with my husband who I made promise me that if I started to give in to the discomfort and started making excuses to not do this would give me a swift kick in the butt to get in gear!  On my way back I decided that instead of thinking of my pain and aches to think of it as my muscles burning to get out from under that fat!  So hey if they are going to try so am I dang it! And I would've written this later after dinner but I have two handsome Valentines that I can't wait to cuddle up with and watch movies.   Then to spend the evening with my husband, who rented "Bridesmaids" because he knew I wanted to watch it.  Happy Valentines Day everyone!

TurboFire Kicked My Butt!

Today's lunch: Turkey Wrap (Whole Wheat
Tortilla, Tomato, Avocado, Cucumber,
Turkey & Light Raspberry Vinaigrette)

When I woke up this morning, I was anxious to get started.  I made myself breakfast, (Whole Wheat English Muffin with Apricot Preserves & Almond Butter.)  I have never tried almond butter before and what do you know it taste like almonds.  My mind had a little trouble trying to connect the dots.  My mind was thinking peanut butter but my tongue was saying nope almonds! I liked it! (the almond butter not the conflict between mind and tongue) Back on topic, I finished my breakfast and coffee and waited a hour before doing my first ever TurboFire workout.  It was harder than anticipated.  The Class I did today was Fire 30/Stretch 10.  After about 20 minutes I was not only huffing and puffing and ready to quit I was also getting mad because she was all, "You're doing great! Don't you feel great?" And what do you know, I mutter "No I don't. This sucks" I managed to make it through the last 10 minutes of the Fire 30.  I wish I could say I powered through the class, but those last 10 minutes felt like forever, I was panting, my face was bright red and I was barely moving. I was doing the motions half-assed with my arms while my feet hardly moved!  Then I moved on to the Stretch 10 class.  I think I preferred this class much more! Stretching out my muscles felt great.  By now I was able to breath again, my face wasn't absolutely red (like the kool aid man) and I was hungry.  So snack time, 1/2 apple, 1/4 cup cottage cheese and 20 raisins.  I forgot how much I loved cottage cheese! I played with Treven for a little while, soon Justin was up and I was out the door for my hour walk.  I went down the road by my house and got to enjoy the fresh smell of the fields.

On my way back to the house I can see that Justin finally got his quad fixed.  As I am almost home and only have a 5 minutes left of my walk he comes tearing down the road and asks me if I would like a ride back home! What a sweetheart! And I am proud of myself for saying no and finishing up my walk even if that meant I had to walk around the house a few times.  As soon as the timer went off I was done! I went inside and made myself a turkey wrap and protein shake for lunch.  So yummy! I was eating and wishing my wrap had bacon and cheese on it.... maybe some turkey bacon next time! And the shake wasn't bad and it was chocolate so I felt like I was cheating!  I am very grateful that Treven was taking a nap because the hot shower I took felt so amazing.  When I got out I sat down on the bed and watched some netflix and was ready to pass out.  Thank God Treven woke up and I had to get moving.  Falling asleep would have been a bad idea.  I got up and my legs were screaming in protest and it hurt.  I figured then was as good a time as any to go do my last minute Valentines day shopping.  After walking around for awhile I am glad that I managed to get up and walk around because I am not as sore at the moment as I was when I got off my bed.  I enjoyed some kiwi with 1/4 c of strawberry yogurt as a snack.  For dinner I had candied carrots (carrots with honey) and a simple spinach salad.  Finished up Justin's Valentines gift and am now lounging in bed updating this post then curling up with a book and probably passing out before I even get through 5 pages.  I am beat and I can feel parts of my body aching.  But overall I am proud of myself for working out, walking and eating right today. Unfortunately I was only able to drink 2 glasses of the recommended 8 glasses of water.  I was so full that I couldn't stomach putting anything else in my stomach.  Now to get some rest and try to make it through Day 2 in the morning.

T-Minus 2 Days

Alright, Turbo Fire has arrived!! It comes with a schedule so I start on Monday! I have my arm band for my iPhone, scale, tape measure, work out clothes... Now I need to bottle up my motivation so that I can get through this.  It's odd knowing that the only thing getting in the way of me losing weight is.....ME!  I need to remind myself that I am doing this for me. That every pound, inch, pant size that I lose is because I got up and ate right, exercised and pushed myself.  I love that I know if I start to fall or go off track that my husband will be right there to keep pushing me forward.  I am asking that those of you that read my blog to help me to keep going.  I love constructive advice and I love motivation.  I am going to be honest about everything on here.  So when I am not behaving the way I should, eating food that I don't need, give me a virtual smack on the hand and tell me "NO!" =] (unless it is a treat, aka an espresso drink.. no more than once a week)  Thank you in advance for your support!

The Photos No One Wants To Share...

The Past, The Present and The Future!!

THE PAST
Let's give you an image of what I feel like on the inside.  My mind is attatched to the image of a body that is different than what I see in the mirror.  I see myself as I was in the 'glorious' High School days..... Yuck! Here's the physical characteristics that I remember most.  I had mousy brown hair, braces, a nose that didn't match my face (still doesn't, I hate it) I stood at 5'9" and weighed in at 135 pounds.  I was 15 pounds underweight, but I was lean. Actually that is a nice way to phrase it.  I was skinny and boney. (aka NO curves what so ever)   I played Varsity Volleyball, Basketball and Track.  So needless to say I was very active.  I did well in school and was friends with my team mates.  But let's face it.  The girls I played with were beautiful and I definitely wasn't in the clique.  A few of the girls were my closest friends.  And then there was Amanda.  She wasn't an athlete, but she was an athletic trainer and she was one of my best friends.   A majority of my high school memories involved Rachel, Darcy & Amanda.  They are still 3 of the most AMAZING & BEAUTIFUL women I have ever known in my life.  Okay, back on track.  I don't want to weigh in at 135 pounds again, but I would be happy with 150!
THE PRESENT
I look at myself now and turn away from the mirror.  My self-esteem is in a constant downward spiral.  I see that body from the past wrapped up in bubble wrap.  I am tired all the time, bending down to get something that rolled under the couch has now been delegated to my 2 year old son, Treven. (Who, thankfully is in the stage where he LOVES to help Mommy!) Playing with my daughter, Emma (4 years old) and Treven leaves me out of breath and my heart pounding.  And that is only after 15-20 minutes of goofing around.  I am irritable because I am unhappy with who I am.  I remind myself that I used to wear size 6-10 clothes. (6 was too skinny, I'd love to get back to 10) I wear 18-22 now.  And yet I still haven't admitted to how much I weigh now.... so let's get the blimp of a number out of the way shall we? I now weigh 240 pounds. Ugh! That's more than I have ever weighed (including being 9 months pregnant, both times) I hate that number.  I hate that my gut sticks out and around (guess that phrase 'spare tire' wasn't just a joke, huh?)  As my 30th birthday approaches and my yearning for another child will NOT rest, I look at myself. THIS is NOT who I am, nor is it who I want to be.  Over the years I have dealt with some insane drama.  I got pregnant, got married ( I wasn't ready for either.) Moved away from all friends and family, became depressed.  Left my husband and father of Emma.  That whole scenario was ugly, I behaved like a teen not an adult/parent.  I started seeing someone right away (who turned out to be kinda psycho and manipulative as I continued to lose myself) I met my current husband at work (don't date people you work with.) Of course the rebound guy I also worked with who went about doing whatever he could to make my life miserable. And what do you know, I was pregnant again, still getting divorced, moving in with Justin, dealing with the crazy guy.  Surprise surprise....things get ugly.  I don't want to get into that part of my life too much because, well, I just don't want to. I am embarrassed about my actions.  Long story short, I married Justin 8 days before Treven was born.  I was reluctant to get married again because I didn't want to be in the same position.  Getting married because I was pregnant.  But this time felt different.  Take away the pregnancy and I was with a man that would walk through fire, so to say. He proved over and over that he was with me because he loved me that was it.  His love was unconditional.  I didn't deserve it at the time.  We got married when I finally realized that he was it.  I couldn't imagine my life with out him as my partner.  We went to the courthouse and got married.  It was a small ceremony.  "Shot Gun" But his family went out of their way, we went to their house for dinner and they made cake and had banners up.  It felt like a huge ceremony.  Treven was born the next week.  I do not regret marrying Justin.  There was no, "Why did I do this? I should have walked away.." Just a smile and love!  (We've been together for 3 1/2 years now!) So, I am straying from the story. Let's bullet point shall we? I became depressed, the place I worked at had me so stressed it made me physically ill. I hated where I worked, the environment was hostile and negative.  I prayed for something to make me happy.  I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I hated depending on others to help care for my children, but we always said we couldn't afford it.  Then in October I went in for overtime and forgot I was wearing my wedding band.  Put it in my pocket, it fell out on the production floor, told management and the next thing we know I was fired and the union wouldn't do anything to help.  We moved into a cheaper place.  My stress levels are almost non-existent now, I am staying home raising my children.  Wow! What a blessing. 
THE FUTURE
I still want another child! Justin isn't ready...frustrating but then I look at myself, how can it possibly be healthy for me or a child when I am SO overweight?  I need to be happier with myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.  Not just for me, not because I want another child, (that may never happen) I am going to lose at least 80 pounds for the happiness of my family and for Treven and Emma.  Their lives will greatly improve having a healthy mother. I need to set good examples and show them how to love themselves mind, body & soul.  This road I am about to travel is to show my children that even though things seem so messed up, you can still fix what was broken. So I am going to tear myself down to the nuts and bolts and rebuild myself.  This road will be hard, frustrating and overwhelming.  But I am up for the challenge. ( I hope so anyway)